Seeing the woods

Today's a beautiful, sunny day, and I remember running through Lullwater and the Druid Hills neighbourhood last spring, captivated by colour and life and light.

I realised that I've been so caught up with the details of the fabric that I missed seeing the fabric itself. To be able to choose is a privilege in itself; why do I worry about what I choose?

Mostly because I grasp these little details too tightly in my hand and forget about the one who has given them to me.

Intellectual Constipation

Do you ever feel like you need to produce something, and this urge weighs so heavily on your mind that your brain feels twisted into knots inside your scalp?

I noted a few posts ago that I'm innately a "doer", but I think I should clarify that. I am also innately a "reflector", and most of the things I do are investigations: what happens when I roll over my shoulder with my feet up? what's the big deal about microfinance? how effective can nonprofits be?

I get frustrated when I cannot produce anything tangible; when I do not present answers to these questions to others. At the same time I'm afraid of doing that--what if my answers are wrong, or people don't care, or I'm presenting them wrongly? All my skills of analysis don't matter if I can't capture people's attention or produce something with the information.

Hence the concept of intellectual constipation: when one consumes so much knowledge that one needs to let it out but can't find a mechanism to do so.

I need to find some intellectual fibre, that's what I need to do.

Also, I need to remember that it's not the stuff that comes out of me that defines who I am, though it may be very good. God has created me to do good works, and everything useful and precious that I produce is by His grace. I am His workmanship, already prepared to do good works. Sometimes, just being who I am is glorifying to Him.

Time Pie

A curry tiger pie, photographed by The Food Pornographer. Pies are more of a British food than American. I love the pastry crust. The curry tiger pie has gravy, mashed peas (the green gook), and mashed potatoes on top of a curry meat pie. Sounds like a good mix to me--I love peas, meat, and pastry. Unfortunately, this pie was photographed in Australia, so I won't be able to taste it anytime soon.

For contemporary issues in dance, we did an exercise called the Time Pie that helped us figure out what we spend most of our time on. This is mine:

My present schedule (168 hrs total)
1. Sleep: 33% (56 hrs a week)
2. Meals (including cooking): 12% (20 hrs a week)
3. Personal maintenance (showering, etc): 10% (16 hrs a week)
4. Classes: 11% (18 hrs a week)
5. Extracurriculars (volunteering, dance, church): 6% (10 hrs a week)
6. Work: 2% (4 hrs a week)
7. Commuting: 4% (7 hrs a week)
8. Reflection: 4% (7 hrs a week)
9. Homework and administration: 18% (30 hrs a week)
10. Groceries and chores: minimal
11. Social time: 2% (4 hours)
12. Chilling out: whatever’s left
Total: 102%

So I went a little over the limit. Minor detail.

After sleep, the majority of my time is spent doing homework(!) I defined homework as anything that involves sitting at a desk. In general, anytime I am not engaged in a scheduled activity, I am usually doing homework. So I subtracted off all other activities to find how much time I spend on it. Of course, there are some minimal overlaps with my work [as a resident advisor, much of my job involves answering emails], social life and relaxation time. I know, though, that when I sit at a desk I am usually either studying or working.

I was surprised to realise that I can afford to spend so much time on homework. Often, I feel rushed while I'm doing it, probably because I underestimate the amount of time I have. That's part of the reason for why my weeks are such emotional rollercoasters this semester; I'm alternately stressed and happy [like a sinusoidal curve with time on the x-axis and mood on the y-axis].

I usually get stressed out about completing work that is due on Thursday earlier in the week, and by the time Thursday comes I slow down. My recent lack of sleep (especially on Monday and Wednesday nights because I have to wake up early on Tuesdays and Thursdays) does not help either. Weekends are wonderful relaxing times where I feel I'm getting work done but am not being rushed. Dance class, friends, and the wonderful recent spring weather make me feel happy and thankful to be alive.

A few weeks ago I was beating myself up about not being in a good mood throughout the day, always worrying and stressing out. I was frustrated that my mood was spoiling my experiences, but this compounded my existing frustration and did not help matters at all. So I've decided to just leave it. I can feel busy or rushed; I'm trusting that eventually I will learn how to better manage my feeling pressed for time or the insomnia that plagues me.

I'm discovering that I can actually live on very little sleep.

Thought you might like to know...

I am going to Jodhpur, India to work with a non-profit for 9 weeks this summer.



Jodhpur is located in the state of Rajasthan, India, on the fringe of the Thar desert. It thus experiences extreme seasonality: in the summer (May-Aug), temperatures rise to a maximum of 42°C. The heat, unlike Singapore, is dry and thus less stifling.

Jodhpur's second largest industry is tourism because of its scenic landscape and monuments.


I obtained a grant from Emory's Center for International Programs Abroad to embark on a programme with the Foundation for Sustainable Development, a US-based NGO that has site teams in Africa, India and South America. They match me with a local NGO depending on my interests and skill sets, as well as that NGO's needs. We're still discussing where I will be placed, but it's probably going to be something related to microfinance and/or women's empowerment.

At a 6.5% real GDP growth rate, India has one of the fastest growing economies in the world. Yet there exists a gap between those who can take advantage of India’s growing opportunities and those who are socioeconomically marginalized. A quarter of India’s population lives below the poverty line, and the legacies of rigid gender and caste systems restrict many women and Harijans (the lowest caste) from gaining education, employment, or financial capital.

In Jodhpur, empowering women, Harijans, and rural populations are the focus of local NGOs, which set up schools, self-help groups, training workshops, microfinance groups, and resource centers for vulnerable populations. The initiatives aim to empower the marginalized by equipping them with skills that they can use to work, learn, and advocate for themselves. In addition, they ensure relevance and sustainability by inviting community feedback and evaluation.

My site coordinator suggested Sambhali Trust, a women and children empowerment group, and Basix, a microfinance group. I haven't looked into either organisation in-depth, but if you're interested you could definitely google them (or just click on the links above). And tell me what you think!

Development is hard, unrewarding work. I enjoyed my work last summer, acting as a "neighbourhood consultant" for a neighbourhood association. But at the end of it all, I didn't see how my work had any impact on the neighbourhood. That was very discouraging. I didn't want to let go of this non-profit/development idea, though, because I believe that we need to help the marginalised and vulnerable. Market forces cannot do all the work.

That's why I decided to apply for the CIPA grant to do this programme. I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into--visa applications, more grant applications, Hindi lessons (hopefully coming soon), vegetarianism--I was just heady with the excitement of going to a new country, being able to say "I went to a less developed country" or "I went abroad during college" (not that I'm not doing that already). I was tempted to turn down the grant when I got it, but the opportunity to learning more about development and be able to design my own project was one I could not let myself pass up.

Who knows what doors, ideas, feelings this may open up for me? Yes, I'm afraid. But that's never a good reason for anything. In contact improvisation there are times when we take the whole weight of our partner. When I feel afraid, I remember God calling me to rest in Him and I remember the sensation of sinking into someone else's body, trusting that they will carry my weight.

P.S. You can read more about FSD's intern abroad programme here.

Checked my mail

This email is from a man I met at Eagle's Nest, the homeless ministry I've been helping out at since Spring 2008. Both he and I used to be more regular volunteers. The only difference is that he's homeless.

We've had some good conversations, and through my interactions with him and other people at Eagle's Nest, I began to see that people are similar regardless of where or how they live. We all have dreams, hopes, fears, loves. We all need God.

I used to help out at Eagle's Nest's early morning breakfast feeding sessions, but that got too hard to wake up to (and deal with--it breaks my heart to see the people there sometimes). So I moved on to help start up their computer class, and struggled with trying to convince participants to attend and stay consistent.

I've stopped attending Eagle's Nest as regularly because I wanted to concentrate on other activities. Volunteer work of this kind is discouraging; most of the time few people showed up for our computer class and although we met their immediate needs (set up email account, learn to type, obtain library card, find out what to do about identity theft), I always left wondering what would happen to them after they left the class. Would they come back? (Most of the time, no.) Would they use the skills we taught them? (Some, I heard, take computer classes at a jobs resource centre nearby.)

As I've mentioned previously, I am impatient. I want to make my mark on the world. When you are in a university setting, reading books by trailblazers, you sense that you should achieve and alter the status quo as well. What brings me down to earth is the realisation that sometimes, all we can hope for are small changes. And sometimes, we can't even see the changes. We just have to trust that God is using us.

I went down to Eagle's Nest last Saturday to help Pastor Larry, the pastor in charge, design a powerpoint presentation for his new organisation, one that coordinates mission teams to Sudan. That was when I met B, the author of the email above. He gave me a big hearty hug and we exchanged greetings. I was glad to see him; over the summer a disagreement had occurred and while we resolved it, we had also begun visiting Eagle's Nest less frequently (due to other reasons on both our parts).

On the way back that Saturday, I shared with Jamie, my fellow volunteer, that I didn't feel that I was producing anything useful.

"Just think about the look in Pastor Larry's eyes when he thanked you for coming down," Jamie said. "I think our being there encourages him to keep going."

And his (Jamie's, Pastor Larry's, B's) encouragement encourages me to keep encouraging him (all of the above, all at once) in a world where money cannot matter because there is never enough of it.

What you can do with the internet

I found a bunch of videos I really liked over the internet a while back. They're from a dance project named "Undercurrents and Exchange" by Third Rail Projects. These 5-minute pieces were performed in the World Financial Center in New York from 2-27 February 2009.

Some pieces are like little TV drama episodes, so a story develops each time they are performed. Below are a piece that I liked, about a mermaid caught in the World Financial Center.

Day #1 of "Undercurrents & Exchange" from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.

Day #12 of "Undercurrents & Exchange" from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.

Day #16 of "Undercurrents & Exchange" from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.

These are stand-alone pieces I enjoyed. Some of them develop another story but they're good just on their own.

Day #7 of "Undercurrents & Exchange" from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.

Great partnering.

Day #5 of "Undercurrents & Exchange" from Third Rail Projects on Vimeo.

Peace. Haha.

Observations and discoveries

This is what I observe and discover by dancing.

1. When I sit at my desk like a rickshaw puller (see picture below), hunched over instead of leaning back as he is, hugging one knee close, it's always my right knee that I hug. I wonder if it has something to do with my scoliosis--the fact that my spine is curved slightly to the left. In any case, I think everyone's body's two halves move differently. I should switch my knees [hugs left knee instead].

Glad to know the simile holds and rickshaw pullers really do sit like that! (So do normal human beings, of course)

2. When you're stressed, breathe. There are so many parts of my day when I hold my breath! Yesterday was a particularly stressful day, so I tried to sing this song.



3. There's a difference between looking and observing. Observing implies an engaged mind; the brain is taking notes (her hand goes here, and then she places it on her knee) with the intent of learning and remembering. Observing sometimes requires one's full attention, which means--stand still, don't copy the movement. Just watch and remember.

4. I like to jump. I like being lifted in the air. There is something delicious about not having the floor as a boundary--of course, it still is, but you use it your advantage when you push off. I love being picked up and responding to another person's initiation. I love being taken for a ride, being connected to someone's body and feeling the tension between us and still experiencing freedom as I move through the air. Whee!



1:01. I need to get Dan to try contact improv.

5. Dancing is more than just having the correct shapes. It's about moving with intention and authenticity. When I move my leg, is it because I'm scared? Happy? Frustrated? Dance is powerful when it conveys a message to the audience--preferably intentionally.

5. I need to accept that I'm not going to be the best at everything--especially not dance. But that doesn't matter, because God can still use me.

The questions I've been pondering for a while now are:
1. what role should dance play in my life? and
2. how can I use all these little nuggets of information that I'm learning about myself to encourage, equip, strengthen others?

The two questions are linked because I always learn something from any activity I participate in, but I don't want the process to stop there. The purpose of my learning should never me just to enrich myself. Yet there seems to be a wide canyon yawning in front of me that separates myself from the rest of the world, and I wish I knew which is the best way to cross it.

I am impatient, I know. I am innately a "doer". But I think this answer is only one that will come with time.