Slow Day

This is what it's like for Jac to have a slow day. These days were rare over the summer, but thankfully they are getting more common this semester. I hope it'll continue, but who knows?

2 August 2009. 9:33 pm, bedroom.
Hung out with D and L today. Also spent a lot of money buying things I need to get (and some things I didn't have to). It was night hanging out with them and having something to do instead of bumming around in my room. They were pretty tired so we didn't have much deep conversation and everything was very mellow. But it was good. We had Ikea meatballs and I bought some frozen meatballs back (you never know when you may need frozen meatballs!) I also got a wok from Ikea for $7.99 (that I hope I can also sear meat with) and tupperware for $4.99. We went to Target and I got cereal, a hairdryer, a brush and toothpaste. And finally, we went to Publix where I bought peaches, more cereal, and potatoes and chicken for dinner.

We baked chicken, potatoes, onions and capsicum over at their place and I played on their guitar (a Martin! It has a lovely wooden finish and a mellow sound). I practiced being generous with my money; after all, Donna gave me a ride and paid for my meatballs. My feet are really tired from walking around, and although I slept for 10 hours, I still felt sleepy. But it was good to get out.

[The next day was another monster day. Actually, that entire following week was a monster week because it was the final week of our internship and we need to deliver many many reports. The next entry recounts the harrowing night before the deadline.]

Friday, 7 August 2009. 2:15 pm, bedroom.
Finally done! I had 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night, did the report, and finally got to bed at 7:30 am. I slept till noon, woke up and helped out with the Resource Directory, then handed it over to Loren to print out. There was peace during the process despite the adrenaline that throbbed in my body. It's been a tiring couple of days, mostly emotionally. Yesterday I learned that I do cling tightly to a lot of things, and it's incredibly difficult to let go. I delegated the formatting of the document to A, who did a good job making sure everything was compiled and ready. But he tried to push the final presentation off to me, and I refused to accept it because he was pretty much doing mindless things like formatting and collating and I felt that he should be given intellectual tasks as well. I felt bad for pushing it off and catching 1 1/2 hours of sleep from 1:20-2, but I decided to trust God about it. Eventually A got R to do it, which I am slightly annoyed at. I wondered if I should have helped him out instead of being selfish and standing my ground. I had felt that it was important not to help him in order to teach him a lesson about slacking. But today as I was eating I remembered, "vengeance is not mine, but the Lord's." Still, I don't know if taking on that final presentation would have been loving towards him anyways. Again, I think it's the spirit in which I do things that matters.

I also got to talk to Mum and Dan in between waiting for stuff to come in. Mum is in Phuket with Dad right now and we talked about how to manage people. It was a good talk. Dan called me up for a short while after I was worshipping God. We talked for a little while. It was precious.

I also felt insecure after learning that the meatballs I had consumed had more calories from fat than anything else. That bothered me a lot until I realised that I hadn't in fact eaten an excessive amount of fat. On a spiritual level, I was reminded of how I idolise my body, and how it's so hard to let go of many things. And I feel that this week has been an exercise in denying myself and seeking God's love, because when I deny myself I have no one to turn to for security besides God.

Finally, the work that K does humbles me--the Resource Directory ended upbeing 27 pages along. Throughout last night I wondered if I had really been pulling my weight, because there were times when I did slack off and struck things off because I felt they were not possible given the time frame we had. I wondered if my teammates felt that I was slacking off when I decided to sleep. But it's not about how much I do, though I was being selfish at times. I think throughout the summer I prayed a lot for my teammates and I hope I ministered to them and encouraged them.

Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge HIm and He will make your paths straight.

Lord, thank you so much for pulling me through this night. Although it was tough and frustrating, I felt your peace and presence with me. Thank You for loving me despite all the times I fail, and teach me to forgive others.

I was thinking about it while dozing and realised that I enjoy jobs that involve learning, such as consulting, research, or journalism. I like collecting facts and opinions and piecing together a story. I've always enjoyed that; I just never thought it would be marketable.

Egypt: the world power? The cultural capital. A powerful city, and by all wordly measures a good ally to have. Yet God says not to place trust in it, for He will bring it down. When the world says to trust in beauty, money, intelligence, even others' love, God says He will break those down because He is God. Yesterday in my stupor while I was praying/thinking/reading the Bible/worshipping because my head was hurting and my heart was pounding, I remembered what Oswald Chambers or CS Lewis said about living sacrifices: they fall off the alter. And I felt a struggle in my soul, a desire to be sacrifice and be free from my sin that entangles. I don't exactly know what the outcome was, but I know the struggle was good for me, despite the pain. And even today when I have an idea of what I want to do, I know I must submit to You. I know You're calling me, once again, to trust and rest in You.

[That week went by slowly yet rapidly; by the next day I was moved into the apartment I presently am living in.]

Sunday, 9th August 2009 (National Day). 8:36 am, bedroom.
Feeling cold, though I don't know why. I closed all the vents in the apartment! I'm finally moved in--Yay! I didn't have a good sleep last night, though. I think it's because of the unfamiliar bed.

Have been reading Pathologies of Power [by Paul Farmer] and it's getting interesting. Paul Farmer's central thesis is that there are structures in place that oppress others, and there must be a concerted effort to change those structures. He is heavily influenced by liberation theology, a theology that marries religion with social justice. The premise of the theology is that the world is deeply flawed, and one must observe, judge and act to change circumstances. Change is most effective at the grassroots level, however, because if the oppressed won't rise up, the change won't be sustainable. Reminds me a lot of Community Building.

What do YOu say to all of this? Isaiah 23 talks about Tarshish, the great trading city that reminds me of Singapore. He likens her to a prostitute: "Yet her profit and her earnings will be set apart for the Lord; they will not be stored up or hoarded. Her profits will got to those who live before the Lord". While Paul Farmer speaks of a "preferential option for the poor", the Lord speaks of a preferential option for His children. Many times they may be one and the same, because the poor and needy are often the ones most willing to accept the gospel. While that may not change the way Farmer does things, it changes the way I view things.

I was thinking of how Farmer can use medicine to meet the needs of the poor and wondered, "Are there any skills I have that can be put into use for the poor?" Thing is, I have many skills--I can write, dance, sing, cook, analyse, gather information, do math--but which ones do You want me to use, and how? And where should I use them? Although nations are often arbitrary, essentially meaningless entities, the world is structured around them, and if I don't care for the people in my country--citizens or not--who will? Yet there are even fewer people in Haiti or Zimbabwe or Cambodia who have the skills to help their country. And perhaps it's not about the greatest need; in fact, it isn't. It's about remaining in You, being a faithful steward of what You've given me.

Does it make sense to think about criminals are criminals not because they have evil intentions, but because their circumstances force them to steal or kill? Not people who commit "white collar" crimes, like Bernie Madoff, but the guy I met two weeks ago, who sells drugs but likes to sing. And B, who has an anger problem but helps out at Eagle's Nest and is looking for a job. I want to see what other people are doing to help these people.

Luke 15: 1-2 Now the tax collectors and "sinners" were all gathering around to hear Him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."

The reality posed by the poor, then, is not rhetorical question. Precisely as sin, this reality tends to conceal itself, to be relativised, to pass itself off as something secondary and provisional in the larger picture of human achievements...outwardly, this reality demands that it be stated for what it is, and denounced...But inwardly, this same reality is a question for human beings as themselves participants in the sin of humankind...the poor of the world are not causal products of human history. No, poverty results from the actions of other human beings.

-Jon Sobrino, quoted by Paul Farmer.

Chicago/CBSC photos

1. Chicago


My CBSC Fellowship visited Chicago from 10-13 June to take a look at revitalization efforts in two Chicago neighborhoods, Auburn Gresham and South Chicago. They were both part of the LISC/Chicago New Communities Program, a program that provides communities with financial, technical and staff support to improve neighbourhood capacity and organisation.

Once we landed in Chicago we went on this architectural boat tour on the Chicago River. Our tour guide had excellent memory (or maybe she's just done this many many times) but also spoke a little too fast for us sometimes.

We stayed at the Palmer House, near downtown. It was a really nice place. Downtown Chicago is like New York--it's surrounded by lots of things to see, do and eat, so it was convenient for sightseeing and getting a "feel" for Chicago.

I love the architecture in Chicago--our tour guide talked a lot about buildings along the river that were built in homage to the buildings next to them, or buildings that made references to other buildings along the river. That was really interesting, and I probably wouldn't have noticed any references if she hadn't pointed them out! My favourite building was the Chicago Tribune building. Apart from its ornate gothic style, I like how its walls have stones from buildings in other parts of the world, such as the Parthenon, the Taj Mahal, Harvard, and Notre Dame. Coming in a close second on my list of favourite buildings in Chicago is the Jay Pritzker Pavilion, designed by Frank Gehry. It's a gleaming purple and blue structure at night, but a stark steel-white in the day. The bean was also very interesting: it's is a bean-shaped structure that reflects everything. That makes it a very hard photo subject!

It was a rainy day when we visited Auburn Gresham. We soon discovered that despite the great strides it's taken in neighbourhood organization, Auburn-Gresham's main commercial district still does not have a lot of commercial investment. The neighbourhood does have other impressive assets, such as the Perspectives Charter School--Calumet campus. They have college banners and paraphernalia decorating the school hallways because they want to set up the expectation that kids will graduate and go on to college. There was no Emory flag-thingie, however! We're going to send them one to put up.

St Sabina church is another neighbourhood asset. Its priest, Fr Michael Pfleger, encourages its members to get involved in the community and has helped build a senior centre and family entertainment centre. The church also has a neon Jesus sign and a painting of a black Jesus. It's probably the only Catholic church to have that! Fr Michael Pfleger was protesting something, which is why the flag outside St Sabina was upside-down.

South Chicago, the other neighbourhood, focuses on economic development and the arts. South Chicago has lots of murals. One was of the veterans who died in the Vietnam War. Banners in South Chicago's commercial district brightened up the district and underscored its attempts to meld arts with commerce. South Chicago also has a substantial hispanic population, and so we ended up in a Mexican restaurant for lunch.

Claretian Associates, the lead agency in South Chicago, built Victory Centre, an assisted living senior centre. It was a really nice place, and what made it better was that it's an affordable housing project, so even people with lower incomes can live in it! We were very impressed with the therapeutic jacuzzi-like bath thingie that residents could step in and out of.

We flew back to Atlanta out of Midway airport, but had to wait for 3 hours due to mechanical problems on our plane.

2. HOPE VI Revitalization Site Visit


The HOPE VI revitalization project is a federal initiative to encourage the development of mixed-income residences in place of public housing projects, which tend to concentrate poverty. For one of our CBSC site visits, we visited a mixed-income development that was built in place of a recently demolished housing project.

Personally, I don't agree with the initiative because when the projects are demolished, lots of residents are left homeless and unable to return to the mixed-income developments that replace them. This is because the mixed-income developments don't build enough units to accommodate all the residents that were displaced. Residents that are not eligible/lucky enough to live in the mixed-income development either go to other housing projects (which doesn't solve the problem of concentrated poverty, or of homelessness since Atlanta plans on demolishing all of its housing projects by 2010) or are given Section 8 vouchers to rent out homes in other parts of the city at subsidised rates. Unfortunately, not all project residents qualify for Section 8 vouchers, and there's a long waiting list to receive these vouchers, so there's a bunch of residents who don't have anywhere to go. In addition, there is a shortage of affordable housing in the city. So what happens to them? They disappear from government records, some move to other counties...

3. Beltline Site Visit


The Beltline plan is basically a transportation line around Atlanta that incorporates green space and mixed-income residences. It's going to take 25 years for it to be completed, which is a pity because I'd like to see it happen while I'm here. I could stay for 25 years but...uh, we'll see :)

Apart from tracing the Beltline around Atlanta, we visited a quarry that is part of the Beltline plan. They plan on filling up the quarry and turning it into a lake/park.

We also visited City Hall East, a vacant building in Atlanta on Ponce de Leon. It used to be a Sears building, and it's one of the biggest buildings in Atlanta. But now it's vacant and they're planning on having a mixed-use development on this site instead. City Hall East is now occupied by the fire department and some other government departments, so they store all their documents here. As you can see from the photos, they don't take very good care of them!

Dro0ol

Man, every time I look at this website I start thinking about trying my hand at baking.

And then I look at my schedule and my list of summer "to-dos" on the wall and think, "nah".

So I'll just be content to drool over pictures of baked goodies instead.

Another monster day, ups and downs. Dealing with people is always very stressful, and I just want to go to sleep right now. Thankful that I'm learning how to express my opinions without fear.

As it unfolds

Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Eph 4:1-16. God gives us grace in different portions and wages--> gifts of apostleship, teaching, prophecy, etc. Used to prepare God's people for works of service, building us all up until we reach unity in the faith, in the knowledge of the son of God. For us to become mature--attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Each of us has grace (i.e. the gifts).

The importance of serving the body of Christ...am I intentional in my service towards the body of Christ? I know I try to skive--I make excuses and try to cut out things because I still don't view it as something important. I pray You show me how You want me to see this church and my place in it.

Feel like I need a desperation for God in order to see Him. Want to keep being desperate for Him, praying for His presence to be more tangible (or "sense"-able) in my life.

I want to start reading the Old Testament again, to read of the faith of the ancients.

1st Cor 4:9, 13

For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in an arena. We have been made spectacles to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men...Up to this moment, we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

I forgot...that we will be rejected and despised, just as He was. But He has overcome the world.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Had a good sleep last night, thus all is well in the world. Learning to be around my teammates more--they're loud and complaining, but they counter that I whine, which made my realise again that I'm not perfect and we need to deal with everyone with grace.

Tomorrow we're working from home because we need the internet. I need to figure out what to do about databases and and all that other stuff. I shall enjoy working from home. Today we hung out for a bit after our Wednesday evening class time to discuss when to hold our focus group trainings, and people started talking about this girl in our class that they don't like. I tried to defend her and I'm learning how to disagree with people that diplomatically.

It's weird working on flexible times because I always have to keep track of my hours, make sure I'm working enough.

Eph 4:25

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body.

This is for the church, but I guess as good witnesses we shouldn't lie to non-Christians as well.

v.29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

1:06am
Feel like I'm trying to be in control too much. Thinking about how many hours I need to put in to get my 22 hours; whether the money I spent for work clothes was worth it because I bought them online and I didn't know if they were my size even though I measured myself according to the sizing chart. Thinking about groceries and cooking and all the stuff I'm thinking of doing this semester...like Eagle's Nest. Oh yeah, it's not even a semester, it's not supposed to be stressful...
Glad I got my glasses [I'd left them at my friend's place when I slept over the night I landed in Atlanta] and that I'm nearly unpacked and got a good deal on cookingware.

I'm thinking about all the good things that You've given me, about the A I totally didn't expect for CBSC, the result of faith, and I know my heart is never at rest unless I rest in You. And I'm wondering, perhaps it's a psychological thing, people need to be have a positive attitude to get through live...But perhaps it's real?

I know one reason to read the Bible: it reminds me that people did believe in You and experience You. Not beyond the shadow of a doubt, but enough...

Friday, 22 May 2009
What does it mean to be soft-hearted and teachable?

Sunday, 24 May 2009
Busy day! trying to sleep early so I can wake up early tomorrow. I think I want to try waking up early on weekdays so I can do quiet time. Did a lot today! Julia gave me a ride to Buford Highway, and then I had my first driving lesson with Shin-He. It was hard work! I'm thankful she's willing to teach me, though. She's pretty excited about being able to teach something how to drive.

Came back and had dinner with my roommate--I made her chicken and veggies, and I ate that with mee pok and sesame oil and soya sauce. I twas pretty good! I also have frozen guo ties and red bean paos in the fridge, and I'm excited. I spent quite a bit on groceries but I think these groceries should last for a while, besides the veggies. I got ladies' fingers, because I haven't had them for a while, but I don't really know how to cook them. I'll figure it out. We used to have them with fish balls. I don't have fish balls but I do have prawn balls that I'm thinking of steaming and eating with my mee pok noodles. I like being able to cook and figure out my meals, and I relish the free time I have to plan all of this out. It's nice.

Monday, 25 May 2009
Long day. Went to sleep later than I intended, I think because I was doing so much and thinking about so many things that I couldn't drift off to sleep. So instead I went online and watched dancers of YouTube (Travis Hall and Danny Tidwell) and mrbrown.

Today all I ate was burgers and hot dogs. First I went to JCA's Memorial Day picnic. I wasn't dressed for sports because I didn't know there would be games, but I ended up taking off my sandals and playing ultimate frisbee barefoot. I also learnt how to throw a football (an American one). It was pretty fun.

I want to get to know the CBSC Fellows better, and the CBSC barbeque was very different from the JCA picnic. We had bigger burger patties, and the conversation mostly consisted of talking about people, or making wise remarks about each other. K and her fiance came, and we went to the pool. We played Marco Polo and fooled around, and I worked on my backstroke and underwater turns. I got pretty good at backstroke! I laid in the sun for a while but I got bored so I went back and practised doing angel jumps.

I don't know how I can honour God here...today I didn't feel like spending time with God..it doesn't feel like He answers...Father...but I'm still going to, in hopes that You will answer.

Rain just started falling...little silvery threads of rain weaving a tapestry of green outside my window. It was such a nice day Lord.

Numbers 9:13
But if a man who is ceremonially clean and not on a journal fails to celebrate the Passover, that person must be cut off from his people because he did not present the Lord's offering at the appointed time.

I suspect there is no answer for the question, "Why did God give such strict rules if it was impossible for the Israelites (and us) to fulfill the law and He knew it?"

v.23
At the Lord's command they encamped, and at the Lord's command they set out. They obeyed the Lord's order, in accordance with His command through Moses.

The Israelites followed the cloud that covered the Tent of the Testimony, even though it seemed ridiculous.

Heb 8:8-12
But God found fault with the people and said,
"The time is coming...when I will make a new covenant...
It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers
When I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt,
because they did not remain faithful to my covenant,
and I turned away from them...
I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts...
...they will all know me..
For I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more..."

Tuesday, 26 May 2009
We talked about trials today at Family Group. And I thought about all the people around the world who don't have enough food or clean water or healthcare or education, and maybe the appropriate response is never to stop questioning and proving, but always to keep mourning for them and yearning for their wholeness. And maybe also recognising the truth that God is always the solution.

Friday, 29 May 2009
J came over last night and I cooked him a quick dinner of guo tie, rice and chye sim. We stayed up talking till around 12:30 and then I went to sleep. Still felt really tired today, though, and I'm probably not going for Quest. I was bothered by all my doubts again, so although we went on this really interesting site visit about the HOPE VI revitalisation grant and Section 8 stuff, at the back of my mind I was still thinking of how I tried to come before God this morning and felt frustrated that He wasn't speaking to me. Tired to struggling...but perhaps it's necessary.

One of our speakers, Shirley Hightower, has lived in public housing practically her entire life. She's the president of the Residents' Association of the former Bowen Homes housing project, and despite all she's been through she still believes in God's grace. I've been wondering lately how the poor and impoverished still believe in God, and does He really take care of them...and this provided me with some perspective to answer that question.

I just checked my email and I got the Hoover-Lee scholarship! They awarded me a couple of thousand annually; for each year I receive the money I have to return to Singapore for one year to fulfill my National Service Obligation. That's pretty amazing, that God is helping us especially in this economic climate. The question is, should I accept the scholarship? I'd always thought of staying in the US for a while before returning to Singapore eventually, and I'm not sure what I can do back in Singapore.

Thursday, 4 June 2009
Went for dance class yesterday, which was fun except that I spoke with the instructor afterwards and he advised me to take a lower level dance class. Which got to my ego. And all of my fears of being a crappy dancer come back again. Comparing myself to others, wanting to be able to say that I am a dancer, to have others say I'm a good dancer...it bothers me a lot. But honestly, I don't spend as much time on dancing as I do on other things. So should I expect to be a good dancer? I definitely shouldn't be complaining; what's important is whether I push myself during dance class.

Met Cheryl after work. She took me to Publix and we hung out after that. Had a good talk about the scholarship, A, JCA, life. Yeah, I like deep conversations.

Sunday, 7 June 2009
I was annoyed today. Maybe because it's that time of the month. I was annoyed because I didn't exactly enjoy what I ordered at So Kong Dong, and that I paid $10 for it [note to self: next time stick to the sundubu and dao pao it!]. I was then annoyed that I got Amy to drop me off at Clairmont only to call my group members and have them tell me that they didn't think going out and canvassing for our focus groups [in two weeks' time] on a Sunday would work because people might be annoyed that we're disturbing their rest.

Still finding it hard to let go of concerns about my body, and how the project is going. Missing Dan...beginning to realise again that my friendships are reaching the critical stage where they either stagnate or go further, and I don't know if I have the time and energy and willpower to help them along.

Pastor Matt says anger--unrighteous anger, that is--is borne of pride. And I thought of R and K, who get angry so easily. And I think of my annoyance right now. Mostly it's annoyance with myself for not being able to let go. And then annoyance at others compounded it. Father, I need to spend time with You.

Monday, 8 June 2009
Went for a run yesterday after talking to Dan and feel a lot better as a result. I ended up running nearly 9km and got back nearly 1.5 hours later. During which, T and Ju Heon had called to ask if I wanted to hang out and cook. We finally went over at 9. We cooked pork chops and I got to learn that searing keeps the juices in and baking completes the cooking process. We also had green beans, croissants, and my steamed white rice. It was fun, and I ate tonnes. I enjoyed spending time with my friends; ther'es something to be said about small, intimate groups.

Saturday, 13 June 2009
The Palmer House, Chicago
Chicago, the Cliffs Notes Version:
1. Too much food. Corner Bakery, Irish pub food, deep dish pizza at Gino's East, Mexican, soul food, tapas. For dinner today we had tapas--I ordered too much, and started feeling tipsy halfway through my sangria because I drank it on an empty stomach. And I knew that would happen to me! The tapas were good though.

2. Interesting people and places, but so much information!

3. The riverside reminds me of Singapore.

4. I value quality conversation, and tried to have these conversations with people wherever possible. Thankful for the conversation I had today with K and Cassandra.

5. Getting to know my teammates more, seeing certain aspects of them, learning to love despite that.

Later.
Chicago, Revised
There is a points system to hearts.

Monday, 15 June 2009
Monster day, full on confrontations, bad news, and tension. Yet God surprised me in the midst of it. Had a really good talk with R after her confrontation with K, who recieved some bad news about her grandmother. In light of that, whatever differences R and K had between them disappeared. We decided to take care of everything K had to do and went to visit our potential focus group locations.

When we got back to Clairmont, R and I talked about the morning. I told her how I felt about the past week, we talked about Friday night, about K, about C. And she was very open, which I appreciated. I kept reiterating that I want to be told when I'm doing something that annoys her, and that we all like each other and value each other as friends. I also told her I don't believe I have a right to fault people because everyone has faults. She told me about her family and her background, and how confrontation unnerves her. She told me about her experiences with religion. I told her about the scholarship and Singapore, and then we started talking about God and her experiences with Christians, and my experience with non-Christians, and stereotypes, and faith (or lack thereof), and how my faith allows me to love. How knowing Christ is the only way I can love, because we are all undeserving of love.

She said she really enjoyed the talk--that it was freeing and scary at the same time. So she isn't as unreceptive as I thought. She, like everyone else, is a person with baggage who needs to be loved. And God, You surprised me.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Went for lyrical jazz class today. I had fun and gave it all, and the instructor, later, when I went up to thank him, said, "Good job! You put a lot of expression into your dancing!" It made me feel happy; I had enjoyed dancing, and lyrical jazz is the style of dance I'm most comfortable with. I showered at the studio and walked about 1km to the bus stop on Briarcliff and La Vista. When I reached the intersection, I realised I didn't know which bus stop to wait at, so I called T for help. She ended up giving me a ride back to Clairmont, which I appreciated immensely.

I had a late dinner and had to check my mail. Turns out Y finally got around to giving us feedback about our focus group moderator script and wants our final script in before the focus group tomorrow. So tomorrow's going to be another adventure, but at least I get to sleep in and work from home.

Smoothening it out

What happened after the sandpaper incident:

I emailed my friend K two days after the incident, apologising for being selfish and proud and controlling. After speaking to Dan I realised this probably stems from my pride, and he reminded me that though I may feel weak, it's in exctly this situation that I can see God's grace work through my life and know that it is His power working alone. K emailed back on Sunday night apologising for being rude, and I was really thankful and happy that things are sorted out.

Currently, I'm on my Community Building and Social Change (CBSC) internship/fellowship, working with the same group that I was in the spring. The programme is a year-long programme consisting of a pre-requisite course in the fall, then an application and interview to get into the actual fellowship, then a spring course on research methods during which we begin preparations for our research and fieldwork in the summer. We are assigned our project groups right from the beginning of spring--this year, there are three groups, each assigned a neighbourhood in Atlanta that has identified specific needs we are to help them with. My group is working in Southeast Atlanta in the neighbourhood called East Lake Terrace. We are conducting qualitative and quantitative research to create a Comprehensive Action Profile that will provide residents in the neighbourhood with information about their own neighbourhood--its history, vital facts, assets, problems and neighbours--so that they can begin to create their own solutions to issues within the neighbourhood.

My group has been getting along really well, learning how to work alone and together, how to delegate and specialise and still learn new skills. I can see myself getting annoyed at each of my group members, but that only reminds me that we're all imperfect, and they probably get annoyed at me too, yet they still put up with me.

Our office does not have wireless internet--or rather, wireless can only be accessed by county employees. So we had to find alternatives and we end up working at home quite often, which works well for me because I need alone time to recharge from being around people and activity. And then we come together to discuss and hang out. It is draining as well, because I feel that I have a very different worldview from them, and sometimes I don't agree with certain opinions they express, but I've learnt to pick and choose my battles with people.

Reflections from the semester (taken from my journal):

Tuesday, 7 April
I'm reading "Let Us Pray" by Watchman Nee and he talks about praying as a response to God's will being revealed to us. I remember earlier in the semester, I thought I should pray more because God answering my prayers would increase my faith. And I think that's true, but I think also that by seeking God's will as I pray, I am challenged to have faith as well. I think there is value to resting in God as part of prayer.

Saturday, 11 April
Last night, after Good Friday service, I walked to Alabama and helped my friend J do his research poster. I ended up showing him my poster in T's room, and then T and I ended up talking. I told her about my day, and we ended up sharing about our weeks.

J invited us to Dooley's [a restaurant on campus] with a couple of other friends, so we went for about half an hour. When we were talking there, T told me, "You now, I actually wanted to send you an email about all the stuff I was thinking about this week...and then you called and asked if you guys could come over. Which is good, because I didn't feel like typing all of it out!" and hearing that made me feel special: T wanted to tell me these things. It's a nice feeling, having a special friend. First D, then T. I think the fact that we're going to be roommates next year is helping us open up to each other.

Went for a run today that was very blessing. I was thinking about how when I run, so often I do so with selfish intentions--so I won't gain weight, so my legs will look nice--when I really should be exercising because I want to be a good steward of my body. It helped that Dan called and we straightened things out and he was telling me about his toughts on Good Friday and we ended up talking about God and it what it means to trust in Him. "Encourage each other daily"...I think I should start my day with my mind on Christ, doing whatever it takes to remind myself of it.

Thursday, 23 April
Today was really blessing for me. I got to talk to N about my faith, explaining to her that it is difficult, but it is possible to believe (ed: I'm realising more and more how difficult it is. And yet I still need to believe). Also got to hang out with D, S and L for a while.

Community Building and Social Change presentation was okay; it got me slightly worried about our work plan, but all that faded away when I went for this talk on street medicine by a guy named Jim Withers. He set up this non-profit organisation that treats people on the street, and he started by just getting to know homeless people on the street. And the more we listened to him, the more we wondered if he was a Christian, because he emphasised loving them and caring for them above and beyond anything elsehe did. We waited to speak to him after the talk, and listened in on his conversation with another man, who asked him about Protestants not doing enough to help the homeless in Atlanta. He was Christian!

We told him about Eagle's Nest [a church in downtown Atlanta that ministers to the homeless; I've been volunteering there since freshman year] and he asked, "Are you Christians?" and we replied that we were, and a thrill went down my spine. Here was a man who knew God and was using his intelligence and skill to help others. It makes me want to talk to the homeless again. I wish I had a car; EW told me a while ago that Pastor Larry and Harold [Pastors at Eagle's Nest] used to take them out to where the homeless people were to have lunch with them, and I'd love to do that over the summer. I'm excited again about this, but most importantly, I feel the burden [to help, to minister, to love] again.

Sunday, 26 April
"Saying sorry doesn't make me feel any better, you know?" K says

And it clicks...because it doesn't, and my criticisms [of the work plan for CBSC] did hurt them [my CBSC group members]. But at the same time I felt they were necessary.

Yesterday Dan called and said he'd got rejected by UCLA, and we were talking about how failure teaches us to trust God more. "You don't care that I didn't get in, right?" he asked me.

"Dan," I replied, "if that were an issue, I would have broken up with you a long time ago."

Dan burst out laughing. "Were you trying to be encouraging?"

"Yes," I replied, not knowing why he was laughing.

"I appreciate your effort."

I relayed the conversation to my CBSC group members and they all concluded that it was an extremely insensitive thing to say. They were also rather amused. Americans seem more sensitive to criticism and more repsonsive to subtleties. Perhaps.

In any case, I shouldn't use my saying sorry as an excuse for hurting others with my words. It would have been better to not have hurt at all. Yet, I know I had good intentions when I edited the work plan. But I think my comments tend to rub others the wrong way. It's okay for professors and TAs to write those comments because they are older and they are the instructors, but I guess it makes it seem like I think I know better than them [my group members]. And I know I don't know everything, and no one likes being told they're crappy, or to feel like they're inferior...

So, more thought.

Monday, 27th April
Slept at 4am last night. I'd stayed up doing my part of the CBSC paper and finished at 3. Oh shoot, we need to add the appendix--the Theory of Change diagrams--to our paper. Ugh. Aaron and I are meeting later to putthe paper together. I should probably call Loren to talk to her about it.

Today was such a fun day! I went for a hip-hop class, and initially I was intimidated--"I can'd do this!" my brain was telling me for the first 20 minutes, but once we started going through the piece I started feeling more comfortable and really enjoying myself. Makes me want to take hip hop--because it's not about thinking ,it's just about letting lose and dancing, and I think I need to learn that.

Later, I went for our dance showing and got to watch the girl who taught our hip hop called today. She takes the Jazz 3 class and she totally blew me away. She's so magnetic when she dances--she really enjoys it, and you can tell so much by the way she moves--if she's being palyful, or serious, or ironic. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I want to do hip hop now!

Heb 11:13-16

All these people...did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own...They were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

So...there'll be more dancing, more Yoforia, more time with people in heaven? This concept of faith is getting more ambiguous, but also more all-consuming.

Tuesday, 28th April 2009
Was thinking of the beauty of creating something while I was showering. My poster (for my research with my economics professor over the year) didn't win a prize, but I love it very much because it's mine, and I created it the way I wanted it to look like. There were so many things about it that I liked and that meant something to me. And maybe that's how God feels about each of us. Regardless of how we try to establish a hierarchy amongst ourselves, what matters most of all is that God made us and loved us. This is how the arts, and to a lesser extent, the creation of other forms of knowledge, reflects and glorifies God--by letting us feel how He feels about His creation. Even this idea of expresisng myself--when I praise Dan for coming up with a song that is his own, I am acknowledging that each work of art is distinct because its creator is distinct--each piece of art from the same artist bears that artist's unique characteristics. Just as all of creation testifies for its creator.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009
I think creating things and pushing myself teaches me to be encouraging..and I'm seeing a prayer being answered.

Thursday, 30 April 2009
It's strange that I never really worried about grades throughout the semester. Yet as the semester approaches its close, I know that it matters to me. And what does it mean to worship God by studying? Knowing, first of all, that my treasure is in heaven and He is the one I place my hope in, not my grades. And then working wholeheartedly, because I've been placed here to study, and that's my vocation right now. Being irresponsible is just that--irresponsible. But being too kancheong is not trusting in Him either.

Thursday, 7 May 2009
Busy day yesterday. Met Bobo, Bobby and Bona for breakfast, and afterwards Bona hung out with me and helped me pack. It took the whole day--I do not like packing. I think I need to learn to throw out more stuff. I eventually decided to leave my stuff at Jamie's house, and Bona's parents offered to give me and my boxes a ride down. So after dinner (at Doc Chey's, where I got a free meal with my Karma card), I went over to Harris [my dorm], finished packing, and the n moved all 13 boxed downstairs pretty much by myself. I finally moved everything by 11, and when I got back to Harris I realised I'd forgotten to pack my guitar! So I brought it over to Alabama (T's dorm), where T and L were waiting for me. C ended up taking care of guitar, and then we went over to Woodruff to watch House Bunny (Lauren's choice) with the rest of the girls. It was pretty bad. But we had fun after that--we recorded videos for the soon-to-be-sophomores. We went on facebook. We ate Cap'n Crunch that S had found abandoned in the hall (it was sealed). And slowly, we fell asleep--me and D on her bed, facing each other, Eunice on Lauren's bed, after Lauren left for Korea at 5 am, S and T in S's room, and L at D's and my feet, like a dog. We were little girls again, and I remember J's comment that his favourite thing to do is drifting off to sleep while hanging out with his friends.

I woke up at 6am and completely missed Eagle's Nest. Luckily (or not), so did the friend who was supposed to picked me up. I gave her a call but I think she was asleep. It was cold, so I tried to get a bit of the blanket without disturbing D. L (I thought it was S at the time) was lying spread out like a starfish at our feet, half of her body seemingly off the bed--somehow she managed to lseep like that without sliding off the bed. The black figure on the other bed was T--or at least I thought so. The next thing I knew it was nearly 9 and Eunice was moving her stuff out. The door was open and I could hear what everyone was saying. But it was nice to be in such a disarray, to live with such abandon.

Oh yeah, and I'm wearing the same clothes I slept and sweated in. Haha.

Sunday, 10 May 2009
Bellevue, WA

"How do you know you still like me?" I ask Dan on the way to Bellevue College.

"How do you know you still like me?" he replied.

"Because I decided to."

"That was what I was going to say as well."

And, you know, I think that's a good answer.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009
It's been nearly a week since I came, as T, Dan's Taiwanese friend, pointed out, but it doesn't feel like it at all. Dan and his friends had to attend a court case today for his Business Law class, so we went downtown to the Superior Court. It was pretty interesting--I'd never been to a court before.

Last night I finished up a book I started earlier in the day called The Space Between Us by Thrity Umrigar. It's about the rich-poor divide in India, and who wields power--the haves and have nots, the men and the women. How power destroys the powerless, but how the powerless have to stay strong for the next generation. It reminded me of Slumdog Millionaire and Born Into Brothels, a documentary on prostitutes in India I saw earlier in the year. It was a powerful book, and I felt very sad when I finished it--so sad that I began to cry. Perhaps I was overreacting, but I think it's important to recognise that these situations occur and they are to be mourned over. It motivates me to do something about it, to have it on my heart. I just don't know what to do though. Perhaps I was feeling sorry about myself as well, in some weird way. I hate the thought of people living broken, hopeless, spiritless lives.

Dan said, "That's why we need God", but I pushed that idea way, as I am often inclined to do when I am faced with such feelings of hopelessness and sadness. What he said is true, and now makes sense to me, but it seems to cliched and idealistic.

Thursday, 14th May
Why are we so preoccupied with the superficial when all this is passing away? What does Eph 2:8-10 mean?

For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Loving despite ugliness is so precious, yet so counterintuitive, so humbling.

Sunday, 17 May 2009
Atlanta
Being dependent on people for rides and things is teaching me to trust that God will provide. I needed a way to get my stuff over to Clairmont, and I was scheming about it in church. But I know that it would just be too mercenary to ask people for stuff all the time. So I felt God telling me to stop planning and just trust. Even now when I'm trying to figure out what to do for dinner, I'm going to stop planning and just trust.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009
First day of work
We [me and my group members] had a nice lunch at Taqueria del Sol. Note to self: try beef brisket tacos next time. Taqueria del Sol oranges are always ripe!

I want to get to now my group members better, to talk to them about their toughts on life in America. This is partly inspired by the book, "Race and Class Matters at an Elite College", by Elizabeth Aries, who conducted intensive interviews with a bunch of Amherst freshmen. I had a good talk with one of my roommates yesterday while we were watching TV. She asked me a lot of questions about Singapore and responded to my questions in turn.

Spring/Summer 2009

Photos are up! Photos are of me in the library with my friends, a picnic at Lullwater Park in Emory, and Bellevue/Seattle, WA with Dan.

Sandpaper

A friend got angry at me on Thursday. We both work on a group project, and something I did was misunderstood, and she got offended. I don't begrudge her being mad at me; I think her anger was borne out of feelings that had been developing for quite a while in response to my controlling nature. It's been a long-term issue with the group and something I've been trying to change, but I know it must be frustrating and stifling to be on the receiving end.

After class, we held a group meeting, and she let everything out. It hurt. Whenever anyone is angry at me I tend to crawl back into my shell. It is my fault; this is my weakness and I'm upset that I haven't conquered it. Every time something like this happens I ask myself why it always happens to me--why do others always find fault in me, always get hurt by me? This has happened a couple of times, and I've learnt to be patient, to let the other party cool off, but I wish I didn't hurt people like that.

Despite this, I'm glad that I have to work in this group; it's taught me a lot about myself, about working with others, about loving others, sometimes even more than the work itself. I think that's sort of what it means to rejoice in trials, if this is considered a trial.